StubbsUK on flickr
My head spins, or is it the room around me that has decided to learn how to fly?
The body is exhausted from being bombarded with antibiotics and medicines. The veins on my hands are colored with traces of needles and the blue spots. It is weak from not being able to have a decent sleep, one that would last longer than 3 hours straight.
My nose, accustomed by now to the smell of drugs, rubber gloves, sterility liquids and the hospital's laundry, still gets a signal from my stomach that it would throw a tantrum if the nose will not sniff on a different scent.
My eyes surround the room for the hundredth time since I've arrived here, again. They notice dull colors of off-white and yellow, pastel-like greens and blues, their attention stops at the veil of my bed. Compared to the lifeless surroundings, the veil is stunning with its abstract patterns and the strong indigo color. The veil breathes life and mystery, it is the most fascinating object in the room. I find myself meditating upon it often.
As I watch the beautiful patterns, finding trees, castles, magical creatures and faces in between them, as if they were all talking to me, I drift back into childhood memories.
I used to do that often as a small child, with the carpets in our living room. I always saw faeries and various kinds of funny monsters looking upon me through them. I used to sit and watch silently, it was a game I liked a lot. I think I recall a time when I told a "grown up" about those creatures that live in our carpets, of course they could see nothing.
This veil was for me the sky and the ocean, it was for me a friend and a parent, with its various faces, it cheered me up. It also guarded me at times from the curious stares of other patients and their visitors, allowing me a quiet spot in this loud and busy room, if only in my own mind, where silence was my remedy.
"would you like anything to eat?"
It was time for breakfast, the food-lady came with her tray-filled cart. The nose awoke from the familiar dullness for a while, smelling the new aromas, but the stomach was not impressed at all.
"No thank you, I'm still feeling a bit nauseous"
"Come on now, you've got to eat something, where are you going to get your strength from?"
"Yes, you must eat!" Said the lady that was visiting her mother, my next-bed-neighbor in the room "at least have some gruel"
It is sweet how everyone seems to know what is best for you in the hospital. Although, indeed, staying a couple of days and nights in one, certainly seems to boost ones medical knowledge.
Looking at the tray again, I felt the various smells competing for my attention, fighting with each other like nineteenth century gentlemen on a duel for a lady's hand in marriage. I softly declined again, excusing myself away from the violent odors of hospital food.
There is a small window right next to the bathroom. The view is obstructed by hospital roofs and various metal constructions, but I can still see the sky, and if I look far enough, some trees too. It is precious to me. I sit by this window whenever I can, even though there's a chilly wind and I only have the hospital pajamas on.
The clouds are gray and dark blue, the rain has stopped just now, only to start pouring again. I breathe in the small bit of fresh air I can catch through that small window. I feel myself being filled with life. Fresh and gentle.
They say water has a healing quality, well so does fresh air. It cleans my body and mind from within, renewing its energies.
I watch the drops of rain, dancing silently, they wash me without even touching my body. The wind gently moves the clouds and the trees, in a beautiful, silent symphony of life. I watch and smile. I let the world take care of itself, everything as it is, and just observe.
Suddenly I remember, I have an apple in my drawer! Saved it from dinner the night before. A desire overcomes me- my senses all come alive again singing and praying for the fresh, green, apple. "It is alive, like us, and we want it!" Every part of my body sings in unison.
The same body that rejected the hospital food before, now was aching for that small and forgotten apple.
I take out the apple, feeling the smoothness of it's green skin, that was a stark contrast to the colorless background of the room. Standing next to the window again, breathing in the fresh air, I take a bite. I feel the energy of earth, water and sky, the life of the fruit streaming through my veins, filling me with joy and strength. Every bite I make is an ode to life, it is savored and cherished and I get stronger each time.
The rain continues to pour. I watch and listen quietly to its song "I am Life! I am Life!"
Smiling, I whisper "Me too".